Forego fantasy for foreplay

by Doug Weiss

Is foreplay wrong?

Absolutely not, foreplay is what makes sex fun! If you have played any sport in your masculine life, you know about the warm up phase. Your coach would have you stretch, pull, twist to get you ready to play. Sex is more than a sport and foreplay is more than just groping at your spouse.

Remember the rest of her body is foreplay too. Go for her hair, back and feet before you move on. Remember, sex is also three-dimensional. Have your spiritual foreplay intact: make sure you have been sharing your heart and not just managing communication with your wife; make sure appreciations for the many things she does as well are on your lips and are flowing.

Also consider that the woman you want to engage with is a global thinker; so make sure you have kept your word or assignments (honey do’s). Yes, a random act of kindness (laundry, dishes) is also foreplay. So foreplay of all types is really good.

Is it okay to masturbate if you only fantasize about your wife? I mean, what’s the big deal if I only fantasize about her?

Here is the problem with masturbating to your wife. Firstly, there are three types of masturbation. Basically, men who are “B” type masturbators don’t use fantasy, nor do they disconnect during masturbation. This group represents 15 per cent of masturbators. The man asking this question is not a “B” masturbator. An “A” masturbator never masturbates so I know it’s not an “A” masturbator asking the question.

That leaves us with the “C” masturbator. A “C” masturbator disconnects from their body and goes into a fantasy and or a lust state. In this fantasy world all the people in it are objects, not souls. These people (objects) in the other world are always willing, never complain, and you don’t have to negotiate for sex and can treat them anyway you want.

Here’s the problem. When you scan your wife and make her a fantasy object, you deprive her of her soul. She does all your favorite sexual behaviours (whether in reality she does them or not). Object sex is a really bad idea. Your brain has created two women who look alike but are extremely different.

There is no reason to bring your wife or any other person into this object fantasy world of yours. Jesus is not in your fantasy world. He is in the real world. Men will often use this excuse to masturbate.

If your wife is available, ask her to be sexual. If she’s not available, you won’t die. I travel all around the country and world. I am very healthy and have a strong sex drive and I haven’t masturbated in more than 18 years. When you do get to be with your wife, it’s always worth the wait. So the long and short of it is, no way!

My wife has gained quite a bit of weight since our marriage and I can’t deny the fact that it affects me. It is difficult to talk about because she is very sensitive about it. Do you have any advice?

Most guys who struggle with their wife gaining weight are doing sex wrong. If you are still masturbating to young women with hard bodies, your attachment to this is the problem—not your wife’s weight. Secondly, if during sex your eyes are closed or, worse, you’re thinking of other women, you would also be the problem—not your wife.

Now, try this for the next six months and hopefully the rest of your life. When making love to your wife, keep your eyes open, even while you’re having an orgasm. Keep looking into her eyes even after your orgasm. You will train your brain to connect to her spirit and soul, not just her body during sex. Your issues with her body will largely reduce.

If you have concerns about her health start going with her for walks. Also go grocery shopping with her and cut down on buying the sweets. Tell her you’re struggling and you don’t want it around for a while. If she gets too unhealthy, a loving doctor will be easier for her to hear than a loving husband.

Do most Christian women experience orgasm?

Yes, most Christian women experience orgasm. All secular research on religious women has maintained that religious, married women have the greatest level of sexual satisfaction. So, most of you guys are really great lovers. Keep up the good work!

However, I think we should talk about orgasm frequency for women. Women are very, very different when it comes to orgasms, and this can change dramatically over the years you will be married. Some women honestly want one or multiple orgasms when they have sex. Some women are content with an orgasm once a week to once every few months.

Women are much more complex than men when it comes to orgasms. You could be a great lover and she still won’t necessarily desire frequent orgasms. Don’t hang your sexual self-esteem on your wife’s orgasms.

She might have huge control issues dealing with stress, sexual abuse, abortions or honestly just doesn’t need or want orgasms as often as you do. Believe her when she tells you what her desires are and be responsive to her when she does want to go for it. Be happy with the wife of your youth and remember that things change.

Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist and Executive Director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He has appeared on Oprah, Dr. Phil and many other national media appearances. Contact him by email at heart2heart@xc.org or visit his website at ww.drdougweiss.com.

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The article above was featured in the November 2009 issue of SEVEN magazine.

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