Put your kids first. All other work is secondary.

by Jack Popjes

The day I blew it as a father and learned an important lesson from my oldest daughter started much like any other Tuesday—the day reserved for making pastoral visits to our parishioners.

I dressed our two-year old Valorie in her snowsuit and packed her into the makeshift car seat in the back of our 1962 Volkswagen Beetle. Jo gathered up her purse and diaper bag and, pregnant with Leanne, struggled into the passenger seat.

I asked Jo to brief me on the first of the families on the list. As she began to remind me of names and relationships, little Valorie kept asking questions: “Where are we going? When are we going to get there? Will there be kids for me to play with?”

Her constant questions interfered with my executive briefing and I suddenly turned and brusquely said over my shoulder, “Valorie, I’m getting tired of all those questions. Please sit and be quiet.”

For the next few minutes everything was quiet as Jo and I discussed the people we were going to visit, what topics to bring up, and which ones do avoid. Switching lanes I glanced into the rear view mirror and saw Valorie’s little face crumpled with grief. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, her little shoulders were heaving with silent sobs.

“What’s the matter with Val?” I asked Jo, having already forgotten my exasperated outburst.

As Jo turned to face Val, I heard her little voice sobbing, “Daddy is getting tired of me.” That’s when I pulled over to the curb, stopped and, leaning my head on the steering wheel, cried bitterly. We pulled her into the front with us and made a hug sandwich until we all stopped crying.

Work mattered more

Jo and I wanted the best for our little girl. I had no intention of hurting her, or making her feel unwanted. We certainly did not want to place our ministry work at a higher priority than raising our child. Yet that is exactly what I had just done.

What’s more, according to studies done by professor Eric Knudsen, PhD, of Stanford University School of Medicine, I had verbally knocked her down to a low priority while she was at the most vulnerable, sensitive and impressionable age.

All parents want the best for their kids. We buy them expensive toys, expose them to good music, organize play dates with “nice” kids and pick out the best school we can afford. We want them to interact well with others and be successful in whatever they decide to do in their life. We all realize that success in reaching life goals in the future depends a lot on our education today. That is why we especially want our children to do well in school.

Yet, according to Dr. Knudsen and his three fellow members of the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, it’s the earliest years of life, long before starting school, that forever shape an adult’s ability to learn. Working independently, the four authors each came to the conclusion that a child doing well in school does not depend as much on the quality of the education as on the healthy interactions with parents during the early, preschool years.

“It’s all about playing with your child,” said Dr. Knudsen, “A child’s eventual ability to learn calculus or a second language starts with the neurons that are shaped by positive interactions with nurturing adults.” One of the authors of the study, Jack P. Shonkoff, MD, founding director of the newly established Harvard Center on Children said, “The key issue is the nature of kids’ relationships with the important people in their lives. It’s not about the toys, it’s about the human connection.”

Not surprisingly, the Bible speaks to this issue as well. “Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits” (Col. 3:21, The Message).

Ouch! I certainly crushed Valorie’s spirit that day in the Volkswagen. Even though it happened more than 40 years ago, writing this story of the painful lesson I learned then brought tears to my eyes again. Since I tend to be purpose driven, I resolved to set having solid, positive relationships with my children as a life purpose to work towards.

I am sorry for the pain I caused my little daughter, but I’m not sorry for the lesson I learned. Put your kids first. They are your primary ministry. All other work is secondary.

Jack Popjes is a former executive director of Wycliffe Canada. He describes himself as a speaker, writer and linguist/translator. He and Jo now live in a cabin on the shore of Sandy Lake, a 45-minute drive north west of Edmonton, Alberta. Check out his web site: www.thewordman.ca

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The article above was featured in the July 2009 issue of SEVEN magazine. For more information on SEVEN magazine, or to sign up to receive SEVEN, Click Here.