Dear Friends & Partners,

I have been married to Jackie for 41 years. I am still intrigued by what it means to speak and move into the mystery of her heart. Keeping oneness of spirit, soul and body alive and well in our marriage is a real privilege but also a challenge at times.

In the book The Marriage Code the focus is on discovering your own secret language of love. Bill and Pam Farrel do an excellent, practical job of unpacking the access code to a husband and wife’s heart that results in a rich and deep oneness of spirit, soul and body. Knowing what your spouse’s access code to their heart need is will help give you entrance into the mystery of love and marriage.

So what is Jackie’s core longing and need as a woman and wife? According to Pam Farrel, it is security! Her need and longing is the belief that it is safe to be who she is – the freedom to be who she is today after 41 years of marriage. It is her knowing that I as her husband care about the things that are important to her. These are just some of the very core heart realities of what security means to her.

Does Jackie feel safe physically, relationally, mentally, sexually, and spiritually when she is in my presence? This is a significant question I have asked her through the seasons of our marriage that has helped me grow in my understanding of how to crack her heart’s access code, in order for her to feel safe enough to invite me to enter and explore the mystery of who she is.

In the early years of our marriage, I failed her by not meeting this deep need and longing of her heart. I wounded her deeply, sometimes unintentionally, not even aware of how I was hurting her. Other times I knew I was intentionally doing it – avoiding speaking and moving into her heart – or even wanting to hurt her when I was angry from unresolved conflict.

I have been a slow learner, but thanks to the work of God the Holy Spirit, I have become a better pursuer in meeting her heart longings for security and safety. In these later years of our marriage, she has come to feel secure and safe in every way most of the time. This has helped her to grow in becoming who God designed her to be.

So what is my core longing and need as a man and husband? I agree with Bill Farrel’s description for us men that success is a more common need than security. As a man it is the heart felt need that I feel most often in life which is to be a successful husband.

To me, success is all about discovering what my heart’s passion and longings are, about how God designed me, in order to know what I can do well and to be productive. I certainly know what areas of my life I am not good and productive in, and I do all I can to avoid those realities.

I have made a fierce commitment to doing what I do best. But this pursuit has at times led me to fall into the trap of trying to take all of the mystery out of relationships, including my marriage with Jackie. This is because I have felt many times like I don’t have a clue how to enter into the reality of her heart. So I try to keep my marriage relationship as simple as possible to ensure I am in control and a successful husband.

But God has not let me continue to get away with relating to her in this way. One of the real victories came in our marriage when I let Jackie know the access code to my heart. I made an intentional choice to let her into my heart. She discovered that I long to be respected by her. But I became a workaholic in the first years of our marriage. My ministry became my mistress and I almost lost our marriage and I did lose her love and respect for a while. I needed to go for help and I did.

God found my heart through this season and brought our marriage back on track. And this year we will celebrate 42 years of marriage. God’s love, grace and forgiveness have found their way into our hearts. God’s access code found both our hearts and our marriage.

Steve Masterson
Director of Spiritual Formation
Promise Keepers Canada

P.S. I can highly recommend The Marriage Code as a message God will use to help you access each other’s hearts. I encourage you to invest in your marriage by going through this book as a husband and wife.

Click here to learn more about The Marriage Code by Bill and Pam Farrel