We recently had a conversation with author, blogger, and Christian sex expert Sheila Wray Gregoire on sex and the different “seasons” of marriage. One of our first questions for her was “how can a guy set himself up for future success [in the bedroom] before he’s even married?”
Below is her response.
Don’t use porn.
That would be my number one thing. I think too often we talk about [porn] as a moral issue—I do believe it’s a moral issue, absolutely—but sometimes it seems like we’re trying to scare guys, like “God’s mad at you!” and all of that—and I think that there’s a better way of talking about it, which is “Let’s figure out why God doesn’t want you to watch porn.”
The truth is that porn rewires your brain so that what’s attractive becomes an image or a video rather than a person. And it actually changes the way your sexual response works. You have no idea how many women in their 20s write to me every week and say, “When we got married, we were both virgins and we were both so excited about sex, and now we’ve been married for four months and he’s only wanted to have sex three times.” Because… he thought that getting married would cure this porn problem that he never told her about, and instead he gets married and he finds he can’t get aroused with her.
That would be my absolute number one thing…porn is going to ruin your sex life. And your sex drive.
It’s Not Just About Comparison
According to Sheila, when you use porn, your desires eventually become so insatiable not even porn can satisfy.
Even if [his wife] was the person on the computer screen, she wouldn’t do a good enough job for him, because what porn does is that it teaches you that you need constantly new things. So even if she were the equivalent of a porn star, she wouldn’t capture his attention very long—because what he needs is not a person, but this fantasy life, and it’s really scary.
To learn more about how to love your wife when sex isn’t quite what you expected, check out our full conversation with Sheila.
If porn is an issue for you, please find help. You’re not alone in the struggle, but God wants you to find healing. Also, stay tuned for the next podcast—featuring a message by Nate Larkin on sexual purity.